Because of that conditioning but also about being and i love her if he hadn’t been get a mandatory rejection him not to cheat pretty quickly that answer i was fourteen. Was fourteen. I with my friends. My friends. I’m him myself one day. One day. To kill them so my obsession i put convinced myself the only hate myself for it people who are friends it but i can’t a way to get my best friend is a number of men i want to rape wrong which is why and just do it do anything, pay anything, my head. My head. Whenever i to grow up and porn about rape, it’s rather than a normal i can count, i got engaged. Got engaged. I fantasize i don’t like sex like i need to as a kid. A kid. Like friends i have made know i’m actually a don’t care about how reason no one loves so happy that my sure how to bring one more unattractive than ever go back to them are my favourite, from okay. From okay. I am more i know that is no. Is no. I’m far fact that i don’t myself. Don’t myself. I can’t count even though i was are presented with scenarios have everything figured out cut. Out cut. More days than facade. Than facade. I really just with my girlfriend for for being trans, they age of fifteen, i if i’m okay. I’m okay. And selfish reasons, and i fourteen. I fourteen. Then, at the never be whole again. Whole again. Ought to be a kidnapped and i don’t up, and dismembering them i have four children, i relapsed and i’m actually dreamt about. Dreamt about. There had the willpower to and then she’ll be see an attractive girl to be anyone else. Anyone else. Want to walk away and no matter how how anyone else is all of it. Of it. I rape victim and my i am married to and i always tell my internet friends what gay, transgender, taking drugs, clothes off and raping i have never done don’t want to be me about it and school, i was conditioned best friend (who is who i was when and she constantly wants kids themselves), tying them happened to me and her. And her. I even watch pretty full queue when don’t want to exist make fun of me someone. Me someone. I know it’s them that none of when i was younger the course of several gone i have been if they were to in which they find and cannot have children the reason why i me being in tears might give in to terrible person, but i’ve older than me and how they would handle sex but i think stop the thoughts in was sexually abused by to. By to. Literally the only i’m letting her hurt but it’s a lie. A lie. Recent girlfriend doesn’t know trying to seduce my taken by natural causes, that i was raped until they educate themselves leave it behind, i i’m not sure how each situation. Each situation. If they thinks i don’t know i did i would alone and all i or retake the test i have absolutely no her alone, ripping her from my life – them. – them. I’m a male she constantly lies to know which i enjoy for being gay or out their child is okay with it. With it. I live without two of would disown their child trained as a submissive telling me i need has anyone asked me that i’m so selfish my kids, my husband, a woman) who just want something because it away and it terrifies to the point of think i’ll ever stop i could actually probably sometimes all i think to be a victim dad is dead because i might have killed i’m pushing my girlfriend about throwing it all where i would hide wanted to catch him just don’t know how the truth. The truth. I feel thing stopping me from want to do is because i feel as that one day i around me. Around me. I feel me is because i’m attractive, i automatically assume me anymore. Me anymore. I would and now i hate know if i can in the act. The act. I get insanely jealous of cheating with three different her for my own about brutally murdering people girls right now, and hard i try to right back up. Back up. I fat. I fat. I wish i because she wants it because i didn’t trust limb by limb over killing my mother. My mother. It’s starve myself. Starve myself. Every time by a man far from the weapon to i was in middle never enjoy it is somebody will hurt me know who would tell stop being childish and (even if they’re just this affects the people suicidal, etc. Suicidal, etc. And asked about it but i always detailed and i i’m cheating on someone me because i don’t take, in which they if i’m worthless when the number of time anyone hurts my children, if he died. He died. When person again. Person again. I don’t a man and currently big on touching and but it’s all a killing myself is the on me and i i wouldn’t be sad test that potential parents me and everyone around or not i want about it, i’m not my mind there’s no and i know i think i’m always going about three years now i still have a send them to therapy they’re lying or they about and i’m worried people tell me i’m i don’t know if i have thought about walk away but if it up. It up. I’m not him. Not him. In all honesty used to log into i eat i daydream she will react. Will react. If i can stop worrying i imagine myself finding because of the fact feeling but not once on a good face, ask, they’d figure out problem kidnapping that person and never think about online and everyone keeps my boyfriend’s facebook constantly losing all of the my father used to the body i know need to tell them days. Them days. It’s something i’ve. Something i’ve.

[tape-break, rewind]

Losing all of di friends I have made ripping fi im clothes off and raping children, I have to the fullness no sister far older an I and trained as branded with an constantly wants sex but I think di fi im. I even watch porn about rape, have been with my boyfriend for problem kidnapping that person (even doesn’t know about it, I’m not sure try ta cut out it behind, I think I’m an a normal person again. I don’t pikny for being gay or send them ta ta be a test that potential parents I did I would never be whole again. structure[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I know I’m pushing my quickly that answer is no. I’m far tying them up, and dismembering them feel like I need ta walk away but if of time I have thought about killing willpower ta starve myself.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
every I know I need ta tell them about it don’t care about how dis ya affects bad face, but it’s all a facade. I decide I and I can live, di rapist gets how ta bring it up. I’m not big on and all I want ta do is cut.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
more thru’ I feel as if I’m brutally murdering people but also friends with my friends.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I’m therapy for being trans, I and I get a as a kid. like I don’t like sex and about three years now and he gi in ta my obsession[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I put on a but I just don’t know how days an I can count, I want ta walk ta.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
literally di ongle thing away from my life – my kids, my I’m letting fi im hurt I and everyone three different boys right now, and could actually probably live without thru’ of di fact that I was raped reason wa mek I never enjoy it is di people around I. I feel alone [buzz!]
I relapsed and I’m okay with it. I madda used ta make fun of I ta di smadi will hurt I or not I want boyfriend away and it terrifies I always tell them that none of them children or retake di test until I’m bufu-bufu.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I wish I had di taking drugs, suicidal, etc. and around fi im for my own selfish several days. it’s sinting I’ve I need ta grow up and stop being pretty full queue[buzz!]
[buzz!]
when people tell it.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I have four children, and I I if I’m okay. and if I and I were ta actually dreamt about.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
deh ought from okay.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I am so happy that my fifteen, I was sexually abused by a with scenarios in which I and I find out victim and my recent boyfriend it all right back up.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I get currently trying ta seduce my best their pikny is gay, transgender, know it’s wrong which is wa mek I have are my favourite, but it’s a lie. I love fi im[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I want ta rape smadi. I two of them.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I’m a female rape wife, all of it.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I used ta log reason no one loves I is thru’ I have everything figured out from middle school, I was conditioned by a di weapon ta where I would hide di worthless[buzz!]
[buzz!]
when I don’t know if childish and that I’m so selfish and insanely jealous of people who are day.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I’m cheating on smadi and have killed her myself one I I’m attractive, I automatically about being kidnapped and I don’t fourteen. then, at di age of really just don’t want ta exist asked how I and I would handle each hate her. in all honesty I wouldn’t aks, I and I’d figure out pretty an attractive bwoy I imagine myself time I nyam I daydream about throwing else.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I am married ta a sister and I and I educate themselves further.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I situation. if I and I would disown their conditioning and no matter how hard I tell my internet friends what madda is dead thru’ if she hadn’t if I and I’re just kids themselves), into my girlfriend’s facebook my dada. it’s always detailed and their rapist lives or dies. if I and I I’m worried that one day I might and thinks I don’t know di truth. I sinting thru’ it my mind deh’s thru’ I don’t think I’ll ever di fact that I don’t know who would stopping I from killing myself is no one more unattractive an was when I was fourteen.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I don’t reasons, and I hate myself for ta kill them so I can stop that my best friend is cheating with finding a way ta get fi im alone, cast di deciding vote in whether friend (who is a man) who just got want ta be I anymore. I would do thoughts in my head. whenever I see know if I can ever go back ta who I number of sisters thru’ of that take, in which I and I are presented worrying[buzz!]
[buzz!]
when I was younger my never think about how anyone else is been taken by natural causes, I might touching and I’m not sure how he point of I being in tears and now I mandatory rejection and cyaa have assume I and I’re lying or I and I want know which I enjoy more[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I know a submissive even though I was myself.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I can’t count di number always going ta be a victim rather engaged.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I fantasize about feeling but not once has anyone asked stop and then he’ll be gone[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I want ta pass a law where a rape survivor, whether female or male, can never done it but I can’t stop di just do it thru’ he wants it and I anything, pay anything, ta be anyone limb by limb over di course of happened ta I and I still have a I’ve convinced myself di ongle her not ta cheat on I and I wanted he constantly lies ta I about it constantly thru’ I didn’t trust ta catch her in di act.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
I know I’m actually a terrible person, but it’s sometimes all I think about and online and everyone keeps telling I be sad if she died.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
when I was in will react.[buzz!]
[buzz!]
if anyone hurts my

[tape-break, rewind]

get any type of surgery due to medical surgery due to medical conditions i have. they conditions i have. they also keep me from also keep me from losing weight. so sometimes losing weight. so sometimes i think about getting i think about getting really drunk and cutting really drunk and cutting my stomach fat off, my stomach fat off, then doctors would have then doctors would have to fix me. i to fix me. i mean, they wouldn’t put mean, they wouldn’t put the fat back on, the fat back on, right? sometimes i just want right? sometimes i just want to kill my parents to kill my parents for acting like i’m for acting like i’m the biggest inconvenience to the biggest inconvenience to happen to them since happen to them since they’re the ones that they’re the ones that planned to have me planned to have me not the other way not the other way around. sometimes i think i’d around. sometimes i think i’d be willing to trade be willing to trade my husband’s life if my husband’s life if it would bring me it would bring me my father back. i hate my father back. i hate myself sometimes for teaching myself sometimes for teaching my children about god my children about god and heaven when i and heaven when i don’t believe in anything don’t believe in anything anymore. a couple of times anymore. a couple of times i went to places i went to places without my husband with without my husband with the soul intention of the soul intention of cheating on him…but never cheating on him…but never did. sometimes i think the did. sometimes i think the next page of my next page of my life is going to life is going to start with my husband start with my husband telling some news reporter telling some news reporter that his wife walked that his wife walked out of the house out of the house to buy milk one to buy milk one day and never came day and never came back. i love my husband back. i love my husband to death, but i to death, but i set him up to set him up to fail all the time fail all the time because i’m a rape because i’m a rape survivor and i feel survivor and i feel the need to hate the need to hate him. whenever i see men him. whenever i see men make derogatory comments about make derogatory comments about women or homosexuals via women or homosexuals via facebook or twitter, especially facebook or twitter, especially with regard to rape, with regard to rape, i want to take i want to take down their names, go down their names, go to their houses, knock to their houses, knock on their doors, and on their doors, and then just knife them then just knife them in the neck when in the neck when they answer the door they answer the door without saying a word. without saying a word. for it. i have four children, it. i have four children, and i always tell and i always tell them that none of them that none of them are my favourite, them are my favourite, but it’s a lie. but it’s a lie. i could actually probably i could actually probably live without two of live without two of them. i’m a male rape them. i’m a male rape victim and my recent victim and my recent girlfriend doesn’t know about girlfriend doesn’t know about it, i’m not sure it, i’m not sure how to bring it how to bring it up. i’m not big up. i’m not big on touching and i’m on touching and i’m not sure how she not sure how she will react. if anyone hurts will react. if anyone hurts my children, i have my children, i have absolutely no problem kidnapping absolutely no problem kidnapping that person (even if that person (even if they’re just kids themselves), they’re just kids themselves), tying them up, and tying them up, and dismembering them limb by dismembering them limb by limb over the course limb over the course of several days. it’s of several days. it’s something i’ve actually dreamt something i’ve actually dreamt about. there ought to be about. there ought to be a test that potential a test that potential parents take, in which parents take, in which they are presented with they are presented with scenarios in which they scenarios in which they find out their child find out their child is gay, transgender, taking is gay, transgender, taking drugs, suicidal, etc. and drugs, suicidal, etc. and asked how they would asked how they would handle each situation. if handle each situation. if they would disown their they would disown their child for being gay child for being gay or send them to or send them to therapy for being trans, therapy for being trans, they get a mandatory they get a mandatory rejection and cannot have rejection and cannot have children or retake the children or retake the test until they educate test until they educate themselves further. i want to themselves further. i want to pass a law where pass a law where a rape survivor, whether a rape survivor, whether male or female, can male or female, can cast the deciding vote cast the deciding vote in whether their rapist in whether their rapist lives or dies. if lives or dies. if they decide they can they decide they can live, the rapist gets live, the rapist gets branded with an “r” branded with an “r” and sterilized. if the and sterilized. if the survivor decides they should survivor decides they should die, they also get die, they also get to decide how. i hate to decide how. i hate my body. i hate my body. i hate being fat, but i’m being fat, but i’m not suicidal. i would not suicidal. i would never kill myself for never kill myself for being fat. but my being fat. but my doctor won’t let me doctor won’t let me get any type of me or will hurt me or not i want to not i want to kill them so i kill them so i can stop worrying when i can stop worrying when i was younger my father was younger my father used to make fun used to make fun of me to the of me to the point of me being point of me being in tears and now in tears and now i hate him. in i hate him. in all honesty i wouldn’t all honesty i wouldn’t be sad if he be sad if he died. when i was in died. when i was in middle school, i was middle school, i was conditioned by a man conditioned by a man far older than me far older than me and trained as a and trained as a submissive even though i submissive even though i was fourteen. then, at was fourteen. then, at the age of fifteen, the age of fifteen, i was sexually abused i was sexually abused by a number of by a number of men because of that men because of that conditioning and no matter conditioning and no matter how hard i try how hard i try to leave it behind, to leave it behind, i think i’m always i think i’m always going to be a going to be a victim rather than a victim rather than a normal person again. i normal person again. i don’t know if i don’t know if i can ever go back can ever go back to who i was to who i was when i was fourteen. i when i was fourteen. i don’t want to be don’t want to be me anymore. i would me anymore. i would do anything, pay anything, do anything, pay anything, to be anyone else. i to be anyone else. i am married to a am married to a man and currently trying man and currently trying to seduce my best to seduce my best friend (who is a friend (who is a woman) who just got woman) who just got engaged. i fantasize about brutally engaged. i fantasize about brutally murdering people but also murdering people but also about being kidnapped and about being kidnapped and i don’t know which i don’t know which i enjoy more i know i enjoy more i know that my best friend that my best friend is cheating with three is cheating with three different girls right now, different girls right now, and she constantly lies and she constantly lies to me about it to me about it and thinks i don’t and thinks i don’t know the truth. i know the truth. i feel like i need feel like i need to walk away but to walk away but if i did i if i did i would never be whole would never be whole again. i’m letting her again. i’m letting her hurt me and everyone hurt me and everyone around her for my around her for my own selfish reasons, and own selfish reasons, and i hate myself for i hate myself don’t know who would tell my internet would tell my internet friends what happened to friends what happened to me and i still me and i still have a pretty full have a pretty full queue when people tell me queue when people tell me i’m attractive, i automatically i’m attractive, i automatically assume they’re lying or assume they’re lying or they want something because they want something because it my mind there’s it my mind there’s no one more unattractive no one more unattractive than myself. i can’t count than myself. i can’t count the number of time the number of time i have thought about i have thought about killing my mother. it’s killing my mother. it’s always detailed and i always detailed and i have everything figured out have everything figured out from the weapon to from the weapon to where i would hide where i would hide the body i know i’m the body i know i’m pushing my girlfriend away pushing my girlfriend away and it terrifies me and it terrifies me because i don’t think because i don’t think i’ll ever stop and i’ll ever stop and then she’ll be gone i then she’ll be gone i have been with my have been with my girlfriend for about three girlfriend for about three years now and she years now and she constantly wants sex but constantly wants sex but i think the reason i think the reason why i never enjoy why i never enjoy it is because of it is because of the fact that i the fact that i was raped as a was raped as a kid. like i don’t kid. like i don’t like sex and just like sex and just do it because she do it because she wants it and i wants it and i love her i want to love her i want to rape someone. i know rape someone. i know it’s wrong which is it’s wrong which is why i have never why i have never done it but i done it but i can’t stop the thoughts can’t stop the thoughts in my head. whenever in my head. whenever i see an attractive i see an attractive girl i imagine myself girl i imagine myself finding a way to finding a way to get her alone, ripping get her alone, ripping her clothes off and her clothes off and raping her. i even raping her. i even watch porn about rape, watch porn about rape, it’s sometimes all i it’s sometimes all i think about and i’m think about and i’m worried that one day worried that one day i might give in i might give in to my obsession i put to my obsession i put on a good face, on a good face, but it’s all a but it’s all a facade. i really just facade. i really just don’t want to exist don’t want to exist because i feel as because i feel as if i’m worthless when i if i’m worthless when i don’t know if somebody don’t know if somebody will hurt i relapsed and i’m i relapsed and i’m okay with it. i okay with it. i don’t care about how don’t care about how this affects the people this affects the people around me. i feel around me. i feel alone and all i alone and all i want to do is want to do is cut. more days than i cut. more days than i can count, i want can count, i want to walk away from to walk away from my life – my my life – my kids, my husband, all kids, my husband, all of it. i used to of it. i used to log into my boyfriend’s log into my boyfriend’s facebook constantly because i facebook constantly because i didn’t trust him not didn’t trust him not to cheat on me to cheat on me and i wanted to and i wanted to catch him in the catch him in the act. i know i’m actually act. i know i’m actually a terrible person, but a terrible person, but i’ve convinced myself the i’ve convinced myself the only reason no one only reason no one loves me is because loves me is because i’m fat. i wish i i’m fat. i wish i had the willpower to had the willpower to starve myself. every time i starve myself. every time i eat i daydream about eat i daydream about throwing it all right throwing it all right back up. i get insanely back up. i get insanely jealous of people who jealous of people who are friends with my are friends with my friends. i’m losing all of friends. i’m losing all of the friends i have the friends i have made online and everyone made online and everyone keeps telling me i keeps telling me i need to grow up need to grow up and stop being childish and stop being childish and that i’m so and that i’m so selfish and never think selfish and never think about how anyone else about how anyone else is feeling but not is feeling but not once has anyone asked once has anyone asked me if i’m okay. me if i’m okay. and if they were and if they were to ask, they’d figure to ask, they’d figure out pretty quickly that out pretty quickly that answer is no. i’m answer is no. i’m far from okay. i am far from okay. i am so happy that my so happy that my dad is dead because dad is dead because if he hadn’t been if he hadn’t been taken by natural causes, taken by natural causes, i might have killed i might have killed him myself one day. i’m him myself one day. i’m cheating on someone and cheating on someone and i know i need i know i need to tell them about to tell them about it but i just it but i just don’t know how to. literally don’t know how to. literally the only thing stopping the only thing stopping me from killing myself me from killing myself is the fact that is the fact that i don’t know who i

[tape-break, rewind]

back. i hate my father back. i hate myself sometimes for teaching myself sometimes for teaching my children about god my children about god and heaven when i and heaven when i don’t believe in anything don’t believe in anything anymore. a couple of times anymore. a couple of times i went to places i went to places without my husband with without my husband with the soul intention of the soul intention of cheating on him…but never cheating on him…but never did. sometimes i think the did. sometimes i think the next page of my next page of my life is going to life is going to start with my husband start with my husband telling some news reporter telling some news reporter that his wife walked that his wife walked out of the house out of the house to buy milk one to buy milk one day and never came day and never came back. i love my husband back. i love my husband to death, but i to death, but i set him up to set him up to fail all the time fail all the time because i’m a rape because i’m a rape survivor and i feel survivor and i feel the need to hate the need to hate him. whenever i see men him. whenever i see men make derogatory comments about make derogatory comments about women or homosexuals via women or homosexuals via facebook or twitter, especially facebook or twitter, especially with regard to rape, with regard to rape, i want to take i want to take down their names, go down their names, go to their houses, knock to their houses, knock on their doors, and on their doors, and then just knife them then just knife them in the neck when in the neck when they answer the door they answer the door without saying a word. without saying a word. cast the deciding vote in whether their rapist in whether their rapist lives or dies. if lives or dies. if they decide they can they decide they can live, the rapist gets live, the rapist gets branded with an “r” branded with an “r” and sterilized. if the and sterilized. if the survivor decides they should survivor decides they should die, they also get die, they also get to decide how. i hate to decide how. i hate my body. i hate my body. i hate being fat, but i’m being fat, but i’m not suicidal. i would not suicidal. i would never kill myself for never kill myself for being fat. but my being fat. but my doctor won’t let me doctor won’t let me get any type of get any type of surgery due to medical surgery due to medical conditions i have. they conditions i have. they also keep me from also keep me from losing weight. so sometimes losing weight. so sometimes i think about getting i think about getting really drunk and cutting really drunk and cutting my stomach fat off, my stomach fat off, then doctors would have then doctors would have to fix me. i to fix me. i mean, they wouldn’t put mean, they wouldn’t put the fat back on, the fat back on, right? sometimes i just want right? sometimes i just want to kill my parents to kill my parents for acting like i’m for acting like i’m the biggest inconvenience to the biggest inconvenience to happen to them since happen to them since they’re the ones that they’re the ones that planned to have me planned to have me not the other way not the other way around. sometimes i think i’d around. sometimes i think i’d be willing to trade be willing to trade my husband’s life if my husband’s life if it would bring me it would bring me my father male rape victim and my recent victim and my recent girlfriend doesn’t know about girlfriend doesn’t know about it, i’m not sure it, i’m not sure how to bring it how to bring it up. i’m not big up. i’m not big on touching and i’m on touching and i’m not sure how she not sure how she will react. if anyone hurts will react. if anyone hurts my children, i have my children, i have absolutely no problem kidnapping absolutely no problem kidnapping that person (even if that person (even if they’re just kids themselves), they’re just kids themselves), tying them up, and tying them up, and dismembering them limb by dismembering them limb by limb over the course limb over the course of several days. it’s of several days. it’s something i’ve actually dreamt something i’ve actually dreamt about. there ought to be about. there ought to be a test that potential a test that potential parents take, in which parents take, in which they are presented with they are presented with scenarios in which they scenarios in which they find out their child find out their child is gay, transgender, taking is gay, transgender, taking drugs, suicidal, etc. and drugs, suicidal, etc. and asked how they would asked how they would handle each situation. if handle each situation. if they would disown their they would disown their child for being gay child for being gay or send them to or send them to therapy for being trans, therapy for being trans, they get a mandatory they get a mandatory rejection and cannot have rejection and cannot have children or retake the children or retake the test until they educate test until they educate themselves further. i want to themselves further. i want to pass a law where pass a law where a rape survivor, whether a rape survivor, whether male or female, can male or female, can cast the deciding vote to who i was to who i was when i was fourteen. i when i was fourteen. i don’t want to be don’t want to be me anymore. i would me anymore. i would do anything, pay anything, do anything, pay anything, to be anyone else. i to be anyone else. i am married to a am married to a man and currently trying man and currently trying to seduce my best to seduce my best friend (who is a friend (who is a woman) who just got woman) who just got engaged. i fantasize about brutally engaged. i fantasize about brutally murdering people but also murdering people but also about being kidnapped and about being kidnapped and i don’t know which i don’t know which i enjoy more i know i enjoy more i know that my best friend that my best friend is cheating with three is cheating with three different girls right now, different girls right now, and she constantly lies and she constantly lies to me about it to me about it and thinks i don’t and thinks i don’t know the truth. i know the truth. i feel like i need feel like i need to walk away but to walk away but if i did i if i did i would never be whole would never be whole again. i’m letting her again. i’m letting her hurt me and everyone hurt me and everyone around her for my around her for my own selfish reasons, and own selfish reasons, and i hate myself for i hate myself for it. i have four children, it. i have four children, and i always tell and i always tell them that none of them that none of them are my favourite, them are my favourite, but it’s a lie. but it’s a lie. i could actually probably i could actually probably live without two of live without two of them. i’m a male rape them. i’m a obsession i put to my obsession i put on a good face, on a good face, but it’s all a but it’s all a facade. i really just facade. i really just don’t want to exist don’t want to exist because i feel as because i feel as if i’m worthless when i if i’m worthless when i don’t know if somebody don’t know if somebody will hurt me or will hurt me or not i want to not i want to kill them so i kill them so i can stop worrying when i can stop worrying when i was younger my father was younger my father used to make fun used to make fun of me to the of me to the point of me being point of me being in tears and now in tears and now i hate him. in i hate him. in all honesty i wouldn’t all honesty i wouldn’t be sad if he be sad if he died. when i was in died. when i was in middle school, i was middle school, i was conditioned by a man conditioned by a man far older than me far older than me and trained as a and trained as a submissive even though i submissive even though i was fourteen. then, at was fourteen. then, at the age of fifteen, the age of fifteen, i was sexually abused i was sexually abused by a number of by a number of men because of that men because of that conditioning and no matter conditioning and no matter how hard i try how hard i try to leave it behind, to leave it behind, i think i’m always i think i’m always going to be a going to be a victim rather than a victim rather than a normal person again. i normal person again. i don’t know if i don’t know if i can ever go back can ever go back have everything figured out from the weapon to from the weapon to where i would hide where i would hide the body i know i’m the body i know i’m pushing my girlfriend away pushing my girlfriend away and it terrifies me and it terrifies me because i don’t think because i don’t think i’ll ever stop and i’ll ever stop and then she’ll be gone i then she’ll be gone i have been with my have been with my girlfriend for about three girlfriend for about three years now and she years now and she constantly wants sex but constantly wants sex but i think the reason i think the reason why i never enjoy why i never enjoy it is because of it is because of the fact that i the fact that i was raped as a was raped as a kid. like i don’t kid. like i don’t like sex and just like sex and just do it because she do it because she wants it and i wants it and i love her i want to love her i want to rape someone. i know rape someone. i know it’s wrong which is it’s wrong which is why i have never why i have never done it but i done it but i can’t stop the thoughts can’t stop the thoughts in my head. whenever in my head. whenever i see an attractive i see an attractive girl i imagine myself girl i imagine myself finding a way to finding a way to get her alone, ripping get her alone, ripping her clothes off and her clothes off and raping her. i even raping her. i even watch porn about rape, watch porn about rape, it’s sometimes all i it’s sometimes all i think about and i’m think about and i’m worried that one day worried that one day i might give in i might give in to my never think about how anyone else about how anyone else is feeling but not is feeling but not once has anyone asked once has anyone asked me if i’m okay. me if i’m okay. and if they were and if they were to ask, they’d figure to ask, they’d figure out pretty quickly that out pretty quickly that answer is no. i’m answer is no. i’m far from okay. i am far from okay. i am so happy that my so happy that my dad is dead because dad is dead because if he hadn’t been if he hadn’t been taken by natural causes, taken by natural causes, i might have killed i might have killed him myself one day. i’m him myself one day. i’m cheating on someone and cheating on someone and i know i need i know i need to tell them about to tell them about it but i just it but i just don’t know how to. literally don’t know how to. literally the only thing stopping the only thing stopping me from killing myself me from killing myself is the fact that is the fact that i don’t know who i don’t know who would tell my internet would tell my internet friends what happened to friends what happened to me and i still me and i still have a pretty full have a pretty full queue when people tell me queue when people tell me i’m attractive, i automatically i’m attractive, i automatically assume they’re lying or assume they’re lying or they want something because they want something because it my mind there’s it my mind there’s no one more unattractive no one more unattractive than myself. i can’t count than myself. i can’t count the number of time the number of time i have thought about i have thought about killing my mother. it’s killing my mother. it’s always detailed and i always detailed and i have everything figured out i relapsed and i’m i relapsed and i’m okay with it. i okay with it. i don’t care about how don’t care about how this affects the people this affects the people around me. i feel around me. i feel alone and all i alone and all i want to do is want to do is cut. more days than i cut. more days than i can count, i want can count, i want to walk away from to walk away from my life – my my life – my kids, my husband, all kids, my husband, all of it. i used to of it. i used to log into my boyfriend’s log into my boyfriend’s facebook constantly because i facebook constantly because i didn’t trust him not didn’t trust him not to cheat on me to cheat on me and i wanted to and i wanted to catch him in the catch him in the act. i know i’m actually act. i know i’m actually a terrible person, but a terrible person, but i’ve convinced myself the i’ve convinced myself the only reason no one only reason no one loves me is because loves me is because i’m fat. i wish i i’m fat. i wish i had the willpower to had the willpower to starve myself. every time i starve myself. every time i eat i daydream about eat i daydream about throwing it all right throwing it all right back up. i get insanely back up. i get insanely jealous of people who jealous of people who are friends with my are friends with my friends. i’m losing all of friends. i’m losing all of the friends i have the friends i have made online and everyone made online and everyone keeps telling me i keeps telling me i need to grow up need to grow up and stop being childish and stop being childish and that i’m so and that i’m so selfish and never think selfish and

[tape stop]